4 Possible Reasons Why Kingdom Hearts 2 Isn’t In The New Bundle
I was heartened by the recent news that our good friends at Square Enix will be releasing a Kingdom Hearts compilation in the near future. “In HD, even!” I said to myself, smiling. Birds chirped, children laughed, the fragrances of fall danced in my nasal cavities.
My levity did not last long.
As Kotaku’s Brian Ashcraft reports:
Square Enix is bringing the first Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts Re: Chain of Memories, and Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days to the PS3 in HD as part of a new KH compilation called Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 ReMIX.
Sounds fine, right? Sure. Yeah. But think about it a little. Let it stew.
They’re missing Kingdom Hearts 2 – as well as four of the other titles in the series!
Why? I’ve been busy running some incredibly complicated supercomputer calculations, and I’ve got it narrowed down to four reasons. I think I’m ready to share them with you.
As the venerable Jason Schreier once postulated, Squre Enix might be consuming massive piles of cocaine. After taking the time to look at the Wikipedia entry for the Kingdom Hearts series – the names of the games, especially – I feel that I have a mountain of evidence to support this theory. (This is the part where I resist saying, “I bet my mountain ain’t as high as the one Square Enix has of pure Colombian blow!”)
2. They’re trying to go in chronological order
Except they’re not, because Birth by Sleep comes before Kingdom Hearts in the timeline.
3. Putting all the games in one bundle would be a huge bundle
And they can make more money by making multiple smaller bundles. This kind of sucks for those of us in the “pretty fucking broke” category – but it makes good business sense. I get it.
(WARNING: insane Square Enix title analysis incoming)
I’m thinking this bundle is ’1.5′ because it covers the first Kingdom Hearts game and the subsequent releases that cover the time between Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts 2 – so that’s half way to two. Which means they can do Birth by Sleep and maybe some yet-to-come games as ’0.5′ and Kingdom Hearts 2, Re:coded and Dream Drop Distance as ’2.5.’
(Editor’s note: This is probably actually the reason.)
4. They hate me and don’t want me to be happy
Because seriously, Square Enix, I like Kingdom Hearts. I like the two ‘main’ entries in the series a lot. Do I like Kingdom Hearts enough to play the nine million spin-offs it has spawned? No. I just want the main games -I’m a busy guy! The two main entries together in HD is a no-brainer buy for me. Do I want to end up owning like 3 different Kingdom Hearts bundles? No.
But will I? It’s not unlikely. I really want to play the two main entries in HD. And maybe I shouldn’t be so cynical – maybe these in-between, totally-batshit-named games are really great. I suppose I’ll find out.