4 Possible Reasons Why Kingdom Hearts 2 Isn’t In The New Bundle

I was heartened by the recent news that our good friends at Square Enix will be releasing a Kingdom Hearts compilation in the near future. “In HD, even!” I said to myself, smiling. Birds chirped, children laughed, the fragrances of fall danced in my nasal cavities.

My levity did not last long.

As Kotaku’s Brian Ashcraft reports:

Square Enix is bringing the first Kingdom HeartsKingdom Hearts Re: Chain of Memories, and Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days to the PS3 in HD as part of a new KH compilation called Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 ReMIX.

Sounds fine, right? Sure. Yeah. But think about it a little. Let it stew.

Something’s missing.

They’re missing Kingdom Hearts 2 – as well as four of the other titles in the series!

Why? I’ve been busy running some incredibly complicated supercomputer calculations, and I’ve got it narrowed down to four reasons. I think I’m ready to share them with you.

1. Cocaine

As the venerable Jason Schreier once postulated, Squre Enix might be consuming massive piles of cocaine. After taking the time to look at the Wikipedia entry for the Kingdom Hearts series – the names of the games, especially – I feel that I have a mountain of evidence to support this theory. (This is the part where I resist saying, “I bet my mountain ain’t as high as the one Square Enix has of pure Colombian blow!”)

2. They’re trying to go in chronological order

Except they’re not, because Birth by Sleep comes before Kingdom Hearts in the timeline.

3. Putting all the games in one bundle would be a huge bundle

And they can make more money by making multiple smaller bundles. This kind of sucks for those of us in the “pretty fucking broke” category – but it makes good business sense. I get it.

(WARNING: insane Square Enix title analysis incoming)

I’m thinking this bundle is ’1.5′ because it covers the first Kingdom Hearts game and the subsequent releases that cover the time between Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts 2 – so  that’s half way to two. Which means they can do Birth by Sleep and maybe some yet-to-come games as ’0.5′ and Kingdom Hearts 2, Re:coded  and Dream Drop Distance as ’2.5.’

(Editor’s note: This is probably actually the reason.)

4. They hate me and don’t want me to be happy

Because seriously, Square Enix, I like Kingdom Hearts. I like the two ‘main’ entries in the series a lot. Do I like Kingdom Hearts enough to play the nine million spin-offs it has spawned? No. I just want the main games -I’m a busy guy!  The two main entries together in HD is a no-brainer buy for me. Do I want to end up owning like 3 different Kingdom Hearts bundles? No.

But will I? It’s not unlikely. I really want to play the two main entries in HD. And maybe I shouldn’t be so cynical – maybe these in-between, totally-batshit-named games are really great. I suppose I’ll find out.

  • Kaizin514

    I am going to say Option 1 is probably more correct than we think.

  • //twitter.com/bigsentry90 the blond cook

    WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

  • Guest

    well another reason, could be…5. Wasting Our Valuable Time and MoneySquare Enix knows we are angry and want an actual Kingdom Hearts 3, and since we will not get one until Final Fantasy vs.XIII is released they know they can waste time by releasing half a bundle now and the other half later to keep us semi happy until KH3 when ever that will ever actually come out. Plus as stated before they know they can make more money with 2 small bundles, I can only say that I hope Birth by Sleep and KH2 will be included. In addition I believe we all hope that they release it soon and it is not to over priced, and that is if they do release a second one, considering they have a habit annoying and pissing us off.

  • Gleaceon

    well another reason, could be…
    5. Wasting Our Valuable Time and Money
    Square Enix knows we are angry and want an actual Kingdom Hearts 3, and since we will not get one until Final Fantasy vs.XIII is released they know they can waste time by releasing half a bundle now and the other half later to keep us semi-happy until KH3, whenever that will ever actually come out. Plus, as stated before they know they can make more money with two small bundles, I can only say that I hope Birth by Sleep and KH2 will be included. In addition I believe we all hope that they release it soon and it is not to over priced, and that is if they do release a second one, considering they have a habit annoying and making us endlessly furious. So lets not get our hopes up too high as most of us probably did with the rumored Kingdom Hearts: Remembrance with it was said it would contain all five of the main games.

    • JuanTizmo

      Pretty much what I was thinking. They’re gonna take their sweet ass time with KH3 so KH2.5 HD won’t be released for a year or more to fill the gap. Who knows if it will even come out for PS3, might be a PS4 release. Then once KH3 comes around there will be the inevitable Saga pack, just like God of War.

  • //twitter.com/VA1N Scott

    The actual reason is that they know we will buy anything they put out so whatever is cheapest and involves the least amount of time will do just fine.